99 
“My
brother, I think all the people saying they have not seen any change
should by now be convinced that truly, truly, the game has changed.”
“Football? Euro 2016? Brexit?”
“What is wrong with you?”
“Or may be you are talking about the death of Stephen Keshi and Shuaibu
Amodu and the fact that Nigeria’s House of Football needs to be
re-organized”
“I really don’t know what the matter is
with you today. I always try to engage you in a conversation because I consider
you smart, but your responses don’t make sense to me.”
with you today. I always try to engage you in a conversation because I consider
you smart, but your responses don’t make sense to me.”
“Game change. Well. I studied a bit of game
theory in school not as a student of political science but as a generally
curious student.”
theory in school not as a student of political science but as a generally
curious student.”
“Who is talking about game theory?”
“Game theory is about political marketing,
the relation between structure and agents, how power is deployed,
structuration, the framework of power, the politics of structural and
collective agency.”
the relation between structure and agents, how power is deployed,
structuration, the framework of power, the politics of structural and
collective agency.”
“When you are tired of boring yourself, you
will keep quiet. I am just saying the game has changed in Nigeria. I guess that
is simple enough so stop quoting text books.”
will keep quiet. I am just saying the game has changed in Nigeria. I guess that
is simple enough so stop quoting text books.”
“Ha, I get you now. I recall that the
former Chairman of the PDP, during the election was snick-named the
game-changer. Everywhere he went everyone said game-changer!”
former Chairman of the PDP, during the election was snick-named the
game-changer. Everywhere he went everyone said game-changer!”
“If you are dumb, or pretending to be dumb,
good for you. I am talking about today’s Nigeria, you are talking about the
past. Can’t you see, don’t you hear, don’t you feel it, that indeed, contrary
to what we used to think, something indeed has changed…”
good for you. I am talking about today’s Nigeria, you are talking about the
past. Can’t you see, don’t you hear, don’t you feel it, that indeed, contrary
to what we used to think, something indeed has changed…”
“Tell me.”
“Me?
You mean I, me, myself?”
You mean I, me, myself?”
“What is that?”
“If you mean I, me, myself, I have nothing
to say. And please note that because the times have changed, I have developed
all kinds of problems with my senses.”
to say. And please note that because the times have changed, I have developed
all kinds of problems with my senses.”
“Then you should go to London for treatment.”
“God punish you for saying that. Do you
want to put my family in trouble? I forbid you to talk carelessly anywhere I
am. If you are looking for trouble, go and look for it on your own. My mid-year
resolution is that I will not hear any evil, speak any evil and see no evil.”
want to put my family in trouble? I forbid you to talk carelessly anywhere I
am. If you are looking for trouble, go and look for it on your own. My mid-year
resolution is that I will not hear any evil, speak any evil and see no evil.”
“Is that your game that has changed?”
“Na
you sabi?”
you sabi?”
“I think your problem is that you are
afraid. You are just like all these other people who have forgotten that there
is a Freedom of information Law in this country”
afraid. You are just like all these other people who have forgotten that there
is a Freedom of information Law in this country”
“Hen hen. Who in this country has any law
helped to put food on the table for his family? This man, be careful.”
helped to put food on the table for his family? This man, be careful.”
“Feel free. Let’s analyze recent
developments in the country.”
developments in the country.”
“As in…”
“The floating of the Naira”
“The Naira is floating eh. Good. So how many Nigerians have gone to the
lagoon to pick up Naira free of charge, since the Naira started floating?”
lagoon to pick up Naira free of charge, since the Naira started floating?”
“There is just one market now. “
“Hun hun.”
“Say something man. You are usually very
intelligent and vocal.”
intelligent and vocal.”
“I hear”
“Fayose, the Ekiti Governor and Ben Murray
Bruce commented on this matter.”
Bruce commented on this matter.”
“I am warning you, the way you are putting
your hands in my mouth, I will call my wife to warn you to stay away from me
henceforth.”
your hands in my mouth, I will call my wife to warn you to stay away from me
henceforth.”
“What has your wife got to do with this?”
“Because you want to put our God-loving
family in trouble.”
family in trouble.”
“Because you don’t want to talk critically
about public issues?”
about public issues?”
“You can say what you like?”
“Look at the Fayose issue. Even Zenith Bank
like you is scared. They have disowned Fayose. Everybody today is sucking up
and bootlicking. I hope someone will tell Zenith Bank and other banks that they
all failed in their fiduciary responsibilities. The rule of banking says KYC:
Know Your Customer. You can’t use ojukokoro to collect money and then turn
around to say you don’t know. I also think a bank has a responsibility to
report unusual transactions, the moment it happens not ex post facto.”
like you is scared. They have disowned Fayose. Everybody today is sucking up
and bootlicking. I hope someone will tell Zenith Bank and other banks that they
all failed in their fiduciary responsibilities. The rule of banking says KYC:
Know Your Customer. You can’t use ojukokoro to collect money and then turn
around to say you don’t know. I also think a bank has a responsibility to
report unusual transactions, the moment it happens not ex post facto.”
“Well done”.
“And as for Ben Murray Bruce, the
commonsense Senator. You can’t borrow money and start behaving as if you have
more sense than your creditor.”
commonsense Senator. You can’t borrow money and start behaving as if you have
more sense than your creditor.”
“This man. What is wrong with you? You are
also a businessman and you once told me you are terribly exposed financially.
Talk with some sense. If AMCON takes over every company, they will add to the
unemployment crisis in the country and punish innocent people. AMCON is taking
over too many companies. Fact. ”
also a businessman and you once told me you are terribly exposed financially.
Talk with some sense. If AMCON takes over every company, they will add to the
unemployment crisis in the country and punish innocent people. AMCON is taking
over too many companies. Fact. ”
“I am talking sense”
“And I am saying these times we are in
requires more than commonsense. It requires uncommon sense, tact and intellect,
and a proper understanding of nonsense because what you call commonsense will
just get you into trouble.”
requires more than commonsense. It requires uncommon sense, tact and intellect,
and a proper understanding of nonsense because what you call commonsense will
just get you into trouble.”
“Ok, tell me”
“No comment. In this matter, I have neither
sense, commonsense or uncommon sense.”
sense, commonsense or uncommon sense.”
“I see. I see. The game has changed truly.
Everybody with sense, even small sense is beginning to shut up and shut down.
Tragic”
Everybody with sense, even small sense is beginning to shut up and shut down.
Tragic”
“Who has sense helped? The game has
changed…I will not join you to say I have sense.”
changed…I will not join you to say I have sense.”
“I am beginning to suspect you.”
“I will call your wife and ask her to
advise you to avoid satanic conversations anytime you are with me.”
advise you to avoid satanic conversations anytime you are with me.”
“You?”
“Yes. Me.”
“We cannot keep silent. This country
belongs to all of us.”
belongs to all of us.”
“Good for you.
“We must talk, talk, and talk, on twitter,
on instagram, on television, on the pages of newspapers.”
on instagram, on television, on the pages of newspapers.”
“Yes. Yes. Yes. And your wahala when it
comes will also be televised, twitterised, instagramised, and newspaperized.
You better borrow yourself uncommon sense.”
comes will also be televised, twitterised, instagramised, and newspaperized.
You better borrow yourself uncommon sense.”
“Like Zenith Bank hen?”
“I think you should start going home now.”
“I also hear some militants are claiming
that they are being instigated to continue pipeline vandalism and organize
against the state.”
that they are being instigated to continue pipeline vandalism and organize
against the state.”
“Nobody is organizing anything in my house.
Come, how has my wife wronged you, that you want to bring calamity to our
household?”
Come, how has my wife wronged you, that you want to bring calamity to our
household?”
“It s
our job to criticize public affairs.”
our job to criticize public affairs.”
“It is our job to support government, so
that when government succeeds, we too can succeed.”
that when government succeeds, we too can succeed.”
“From your mouth?”
“Honestly, from my mouth.”
“Now, I am beginning to understand.”
“Understand whatever you want. Change is
here. Have you not heard that in Cameroon, the parliament is debating a bill
that makes adultery a crime. The deal is to have you spend between two and six
months in the senior college if you go do napoi
anyhow, so it is better to be careful and to control.
here. Have you not heard that in Cameroon, the parliament is debating a bill
that makes adultery a crime. The deal is to have you spend between two and six
months in the senior college if you go do napoi
anyhow, so it is better to be careful and to control.
“I know some napoi people in Nigeria.”
“Like you, yourself?”
“We know who the adulterers are. Like the
National Assembly people who are now in court for forgery. You commit political
adultery, you run a risk.”
National Assembly people who are now in court for forgery. You commit political
adultery, you run a risk.”
“This man, can you shut up? Stop talking
like this at a pepper soup joint. Do you know who and who is eavesdropping on
us?”
like this at a pepper soup joint. Do you know who and who is eavesdropping on
us?”
“With this loud music and with the way
everybody is busy with pepper soup and isi
ewu?”
everybody is busy with pepper soup and isi
ewu?”
“Just shut the hell up.”
“Iyalaya
anybody who wants to rob me of commonsense.”
anybody who wants to rob me of commonsense.”
“You too have changed.”
“Iyalaya
change”
change”
“Just shut the fuck up”
“So life is like this?”
“Life is like what”
“If anybody told me”
“That the iyalaya of social critics will face moving trailer.”
“That you will sound like this”
“At an open joint, with drunken souls
eating pepper soup and half crazy? I
have told you, whenever you want to hear sense from my mouth, choose a
different location.“
eating pepper soup and half crazy? I
have told you, whenever you want to hear sense from my mouth, choose a
different location.“
“Truth is not selective. It should thunder
forth from everywhere no matter whose ox is gored”
forth from everywhere no matter whose ox is gored”
“Gore your own ox, leave us out of it. As
for me and my house, we shall support change.”
for me and my house, we shall support change.”
“This is a loser’s creed. The sacrament of
the defeated.”
the defeated.”
“You will still go and blow this your
grammar in a cell, very soon. And you’d be surprised if I am asked to testify
against you, I will gladly wear a mask and do so.”
grammar in a cell, very soon. And you’d be surprised if I am asked to testify
against you, I will gladly wear a mask and do so.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You can’t make me guilty by
association”
association”
“What kind of life is this oh?”
“What kind of stupid man is this oh?”
“Like seriously?”
“Like I know suicide is bad, even God
forbids it.”
forbids it.”
“As in…”
“Can we change this subject? Ha ha, wetin? Stop putting your isi ewu hands in my mouth.”
“What a country? What manner of a citizen?
With people like you, democracy is on trial.”
With people like you, democracy is on trial.”
“Forget matter. Even in America democracy
is on trial. Even in Britain, right now democracy is on trial.”
is on trial. Even in Britain, right now democracy is on trial.”
“Power is dangerous. Powerlessness is
worse.”
worse.”
“When you use power to serve your purpose,
everybody will know where they belong. As you see me so, I won’t discuss power
at a pepper soup joint.”
everybody will know where they belong. As you see me so, I won’t discuss power
at a pepper soup joint.”
“What of on twitter?”
“Twitter? So I can get into trouble?”
“But you have a twitter account?”
“I have deleted it to avoid temptations.”
“You have indeed changed”
“I have oh”
“You have lost your power of expression”
“It is better oh”
“You have become gentle”
“Look for a stronger word, please”
“You have lost your caustic tongue”
“My tongue still dey kampe, but I am intelligent enough to use it now only on ponmo and cow leg.”
“Change”
“Go and ask the people who refused to
change.”
change.”
“Human beings are chameleons”
“Can you get off my back? Oya, take the pepper soup and finish it. You
can’t because you are paying for cheap pepper soup force me into trouble. Take
your pepper soup. I am out of here.”
can’t because you are paying for cheap pepper soup force me into trouble. Take
your pepper soup. I am out of here.”
“Na fight? Finish your pepper soup.”
“I don’t want. You finish the rest or look
for another mumu like you to finish
it. This is amazing”
for another mumu like you to finish
it. This is amazing”
“Amazing as in the spread of mumuism. Go to Zenith Bank.”
“I can only wish you good luck”
“Same to you. Chop your pepper soup
finish.”
finish.”
“No”
“Next time, I’ll talk to that your Ph.D
friend and report you to him. He should be more sensible”
friend and report you to him. He should be more sensible”
“Hmm.
Carry your wahala go. Who sense don epp?”
Carry your wahala go. Who sense don epp?”
“Happy International Widows Day”
“Say that to your wife. She needs it. Yeye man”
